Why do long term relationships fail? A marriage counselor's reflection

A long-term relationship is defined as a romantic partnership or friendship that endure for a significant period typical characterized by commitment, trust and emotional intimacy.

Faith Njogu a marriage counselor and relationship coach spoke to Citizen Digital about the complexities in a long-term relationship.

“A long-term relationship is a partnership and commitment which is intended to last a specific period of time. Till death do you part.”

The story of Evans Kosgei sent the internet into a frenzy. The controversial messages he posted on his X account turned the young man into a trending topic. 

Kosgei was in a long-term relationship with a lady by the name Jackline Kimaiyo that lasted 8 years before the tragic ending. 

“We started dating in 2016 while we were in high school.” In between she gave birth to my little princess in which I had to relocate from home completely so that I can take care of my kid and her to continue with studies without any problems," read his post.

Kosgei in his tweet alleged that his girlfriend was unfaithful which was the cause of the rift in their relationship.

“All our problems started when you started bringing men to our own marriage.”

Kosgei would later post a tweet about the alleged murder of his “wife” after he suspected adultery. Days later Kosgei was found hanging from a tree in a suspected suicide.

The story of Kosgei and Jackline is one among the many long-term relationships that have ended in tragedy.

We recognize and acknowledge the success love stories that too were a product of long-term. 

Faith Njogu who has saved 100 plus successful relationships will help us understand the root causes of the failures in the long-term relationships.

Many people get into relationships in their teen years. according to Faith people within this age are not mentally grown to handle all the aspects of a relationship.

“According to the government and the laws of Kenya a person aged 18 years is eligible to be in a relationship but not mentally ready.”

Most lack maturity, financial and emotional stability.

Faith had recommendations for a healthy and stable relationships.

 “Communicating openly, showing appreciations, creating time for each other, having boundaries, maintaining trust and respect for the partners.”

 “Neglecting a person’s needs for love, intimacy, companionship and taking each other for granted,” are what makes a relationship fail according to her.

 Faith advised couples to have healthy conflict resolutions and work on constant communication.

There have been extreme cases that have been reported about what happens when relationships fail like murder and suicide. Faith acknowledged that most couples go through this phase. 

“The second stage of a relationship has so many conflicts. If the partners are unable to communicate their needs and commitment and feel unsafe can get to this point.”

This however a stage that they can overcome through couple therapy and marriage counselling.

 “If the couple are very conscious and intentional in the relationship that’s where therapy comes in. It will help the couple learn how to communicate, identifying the conflict and solving it and creating healthy boundaries.’

She advised the couple to always prioritize their intimacy and have conversations about money.

“Communication is where love begins, intimacy is where love continues and money is where love ends.”

She cleared the misconception that the longer the dating phase the higher the chances of the marriage working. 

“The couple’s understanding of each other’s needs, willingness to work on your weakness and their understanding of marriage.”

Faith is a certified marriage counsellor and relationship coach with a working experience spanning to 4 years.