Wananchi Opinion: There are things you just don’t do as a parent

Parenting is one of the most challenging and influential roles a person can undertake. The behaviours, attitudes, and choices of parents shape a child’s emotional, psychological, and social development.

While many parents have good intentions, certain harmful actions, whether out of ignorance, stress, or misguided beliefs, can hinder a child’s healthy growth.

Understanding the "don’ts" of parenting is essential for nurturing well-adjusted, confident, and independent children. Below, I explore some common parenting mistakes that negatively impact a child’s development.

Don’t be overly controlling. One of the most damaging parenting behaviours is being excessively controlling or authoritarian.

Parents who micromanage every aspect of their children’s lives, from what they wear to whom they befriend, often do so with the belief that they are protecting their children from harm or failure.

However, this can limit a child's ability to make decisions, develop critical thinking skills, and build self-confidence.

Children raised in overly strict environments may become anxious, rebellious, or dependent on others for validation and guidance.

Don’t neglect emotional needs. Children, like adults, have emotional needs that require attention and care.

When parents ignore or dismiss their children's feelings, they send a message that emotions are unimportant or shameful.

This emotional neglect can lead to poor self-esteem, difficulty expressing feelings, and challenges in forming healthy relationships.

It's essential for parents to listen to their children, validate their emotions, and teach them healthy ways to cope with stress and disappointment.

Don’t compare your child to others. Many parents, often unknowingly, compare their children to siblings, classmates, or family friends.

Phrases like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Look how well she did on the test!” can have a long-lasting negative impact.

Constant comparison undermines a child’s self-worth and can create feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and competition.

Every child is unique, with different talents, strengths, and paces of development. Instead of comparing, parents should celebrate their child’s individuality and progress.

Don’t use harsh discipline or punishment. Discipline is important, but when it turns into harsh punishment—such as yelling, hitting, or humiliation—it becomes harmful.

Children subjected to physical or verbal abuse may develop fear, aggression, or emotional trauma.

They may also internalise these behaviours, believing that violence or intimidation is acceptable.

Positive discipline, on the other hand, focuses on teaching and guiding rather than punishing, helping children understand the consequences of their actions and encouraging better choices in the future.

Don’t be emotionally unavailable. In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy for parents to become distracted by work, technology, or other responsibilities.

However, emotional unavailability can leave children feeling lonely and disconnected.

When children feel their parents are too busy or uninterested, they may stop seeking their support and guidance.

This can lead to behavioural issues and difficulty trusting others. Being present—both physically and emotionally—is crucial.

Even small, everyday moments of attention can foster a strong parent-child bond.

Don’t set unrealistic expectations. While it’s natural to want the best for your child, setting unrealistic expectations can create pressure and anxiety.

Parents who push their children to achieve perfection—whether academically, socially, or athletically—risk damaging their child’s self-image. Children need space to explore, fail, and learn without the fear of disappointing their parents.

Encouragement should be balanced with understanding and patience, recognising effort over perfection.

Parenting is a learning journey filled with challenges and opportunities. While no parent is perfect, being aware of what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do.

Over-controlling, emotional neglect, harsh discipline, unrealistic expectations, and lack of presence can significantly hinder a child’s development.

By avoiding these pitfalls and focusing on support, empathy, and open communication, parents can create a nurturing environment where their children can thrive emotionally, mentally, and socially. Ultimately, it is not about being a perfect parent, but a present and mindful one.

Mr. Abol Kepha Kings is a Senior High School teacher in Kenya