KAIKAI'S KICKER: Benni McCarthy pre-briefing notes

On my Kicker, I roll out the red carpet for Benni McCarthy, the newly appointed national football team Harambee Stars coach.

Without a doubt, McCarthy comes with impressive personal credentials both as a coach and as a former striker. I particularly have fond memories of him and his generation of the South African national squad, Bafana Bafana. As a player, McCarthy demonstrated character and a fighting spirit of the kind he must inject into the Harambee Stars as a coach.

As we Kenyans welcome McCarthy to the helm of Harambee Stars, I feel that in the spirit of fairness, we need to make a few disclosures to Benni McCarthy.

First, about us, Kenyans. Benni, we love football. Kenyans adore football. And especially successful football. So, if you want to know anything about the English Premier League, the German Bundesliga, the Spanish La Liga, or even the Italian Serie A, look no further for the most informed opinions and analysis.

In the streets of Nairobi, there would even be some fairly informed views about Polokwane City and Sekhukhune United or even the fortunes or misfortunes of Moroka Swallows and AmaZulu and the like. On all that, Benni, just beware—Kenyans are very loud.

Now, you may be asking, how loud are we when it comes to local or national soccer? Let me help you with the readings of our passion meter. Kenyans yearn for a day of glory in football. From club football to the national team, we are in this perpetual wait. We could even engage a South African sangoma for that one elusive day of soccer glory. And to be frank with you, our passion never necessarily matches our abilities.

For all the love we have for football, we are better known for athletics, and yes, we get a bit clumsy when one places a football in front of that good run. It can get so clumsy here that finding a venue for a serious football game can be tricky.

As you were signing up, you may have missed the greatest sports story—we couldn’t find a venue for the country’s greatest derby, Gor Mahia versus AFC Leopards, and so we postponed the big game till God knows when! I don’t know whether you can imagine a game between the Kaizer Chiefs and the Orlando Pirates being postponed for lack of a venue!

Well, a personal experience may just be awaiting you if later this month, none of our venues is found suitable for the Kenya games against Gambia and Gabon. I believe you are aware that we have countless stadiums across Kenya, including one in Ruringu and another in Kamariny, but we are now busy constructing one or two that can be suitable for complicated engagements with foreigners.

Wherever the matches will be, just beware—the passion runs high when it comes to the Harambee Stars. Kenyans expect victory. Yes, Kenyans think in terms of big and small countries. In this logic, we don’t expect to lose to The Gambia or Gabon as those countries are smaller than Kenya in terms of landmass and population! That alone should give you a six-point start. Nice, right?

As for squad selection, we do not have a developed youth football system in place. So, don’t think Ajax Cape Town or Ajax Amsterdam. Think mtaa—the estate. One of your predecessors, the late Reinhard Fabisch, attended school games and assembled a team that nearly embarrassed Nigeria’s Super Eagles. Yes, we beat them 1-1 in Kasarani, and dare you not call that a draw!

Finally, Benni, I hope you settled your personal terms well—I mean your salary, benefits, etc. By the way, do we pay you per month, per year, or by the end of the contract? Sorry if that is too personal, but I have seen some of your predecessors having to take us to court, CAF, and FIFA for their dues to be paid! Something else about us—we bargain hard, Benni, we do. But give us the results first!