Caroline Mutoko: The missteps and misfires of a radio legend

For decades, especially in the Kenyan Media circles, the name Caroline Mutoko has, for years, evoked deep reverence, fear, mystery, deification and/or derision.

Sitting atop the Kiss FM Morning Breakfast for decades, the indestructible media legend ruled the airwaves, told off the powers-that-be, governed the city by the power of her voice and brought down babels, causing mayhem, terror and order by the sheer pronouncement of her venerable edicts.

Like a media pontiff, Caroline Mutoko ruled with an iron fist - streamlining many errant politicians, ruffling feathers many dared to touch, knocking on doors that had long been dreaded and cutting tyrants to ignominious sizes.

Like a Filipino typhoon, she burst through the gates, lapping up everything in her wake. 

With an incendiary tongue, a petrifying voice and an imperious tone, Caroline Mutoko recreated herself into something of an idolised media demigod who took no for an answer, barbecued her foes for lunch and ran even the seediest parts of town.

And she did it all without showing her face. Or making a visible scowl.

Dogmatic and helplessly inflexible, the mythical media fixture would soon leave the Kiss FM Morning hosting duties for the Radio Africa backwaters - but make no mistake, even when her voice was off air, her persona, aura and menacing bullishness still lingered in the air.

Thanks to the infinite power of social media, Caroline Mutoko remained an undefeated media goddess who now showed her face more, flashed a little smile time after time, attempted to humanify herself to her fans but still remained unapologetically unquestionable.

As a woman who'd endured the toughest fires of the onerous Kenyan media industry, Caroline had a skin thicker than a Rhino's hide and a nose colder than an Arabian night.

On social media, Caroline fashioned herself as the vexing pontificator who'd jump on all the latest topics, throw in her two cents, call out the bastard of the day, spew combustible vitriol on her detractors, blast the bad guy and make wildly preposterous statements that left many either mad, bewildered or utterly gobsmacked.

Whether it was on Twitter or her personal favorite medium, Facebook, Caroline became social media's bogeyman whose ideas, thoughts and, sometimes diabolical opinions riled up the masses, led to hashtags, conjured memes, ignited fires and stoked emotions.

Caroline, from the comfort of her gilded seat, seemed to enjoy the absolute maelstrom she could so easily and contentedly create.

At some point, soaked in her monarchical tendencies, Caroline Mutoko berated a fan for calling her 'Caro'. Her name was Caroline Mutoko. And you'd be foolhardy to ever reduce her to such an impishly bland short form.

Like the legendary Teflon Don, no snide comments, barrage of attacks, engineered hashtags or even downright morbid shots stuck to the media empress - she'd, for years, learned to not just blissfully brush off any offensive remarks but also gladly jump into the pig sty for another messy round of a muddied, bloodied bout.

Defying the general mood of the day has always become Caroline Mutoko's shtick as she continues to issue her decrees from her vaunted seat, as the minions scramble - and gamble - over the smithereens of her speeches like riveted pilgrims.

Today, the same woman condemned the Nairobi Expressway decision to allow 'public service vehicles' onto the highway terming it as Kenyans 'courting trouble'.

Again, the internet erupted and the ogres of Twitter crawled from the woodwork, baying for blood and ready to gorge an eye or two out.

Like a pro, Caroline watched the ugliness unfurl - and then took to YouTube to double down on her earlier statement. In an even angrier, gritter and wrathful tone. 

"As a people we are indisciplined, as Nairobians we are grossly indisciplined and PSVs in Nairobi are massively indisciplined," she starts, making minced meat of everyone, from the guy sipping his beer at the corner to the clown yelling at the roadside. 

Never one to back down from combat, Caroline Mutoko told off Kenyan men for spreading the Covid-19 pandemic, scowled at members of the Twitterati for their #LowerFoodPrices hashtag and mercilessly lunged at the #FentyLaunch haters, single-handedly shutting their cacophony.

She might have made some missteps, she may have found herself into some mishaps and might have made a couple misfires but this media enigma is not only shatterproof but undeniably ingenious.