August 22: If Mzee woke up today, he'd whip everyone, including GNZs

Today, August 22, marks 46 years since the cold hands of death took Mzee Jomo Kenyatta.

Mzee was a tough man. As tough as nails. But death is death.  Death can be ‘stupid’ -- it even took the Son of God – before spitting him out of a tomb in Gethsemane. 

It has been nearly 50 years since Mzee went to be with the Lord.  Men and women born around that time – in 1978 or thereabout – are already showing wrinkles on their foreheads.

A lot has changed since Mzee left. For instance – Busaa is no longer legal. It was back in the day – during Mzee’s presidency.

If Mzee was to wake up today – his first assignment would be to visit Eldoret – to see with his own eyes – ‘how not to make a statue’.

Did you know that Jomo Kenyatta, in 1969, commissioned a British teacher James Butler, to make a 12-feet sculpture of himself – which today continues to soak the sun outside Parliament. It was a masterpiece, just what Mzee wanted.

Mzee would then stroll down to Central Kenya -- to view our expansive coffee plantation – but then there would be nothing to see.

They would mumble something about these faceless cartels – but then Mzee would ask to meet them for a talk. No one would show up, otherwise 'wangelula mkwajo' yote.

A disgruntled Mzee would ask to address the Nation, but then he would be told to sign up for X – if he wanted to talk – because that is where good Kenyans discuss matters of national interest – and even call the President names that his mother did not give him; names like Lucifer and Msaliti. Mzee would be furious.

He would dare them to call him ‘a name his mother Wamboi did not give him’ – but then he would be reminded that these are GNZs.

They are young, smart, very smart, educated, informed, and are quite suave at using the Whiteman’s witchcraft – what they carefully call mobile phones. 

Someone would remind Mzee not to lose his cool with these characters called GNZs – because they understand their rights and are tribeless.

But he would be told that this special generation don’t do Bell-bottoms – instead they wrap themselves in handkerchiefs – and spit the Queens Language. And when provoked, they smoke teargas. 

Then someone would whisper into Mzee's ears that nowadays, our good women are paying dowry for themselves, and they even circumcise their sons. Riswa!

But he would be reminded that this is a different world, a different Kenya, where a good woman gives birth to two children, only.

Mzee would scratch his head, and remember how in the 1970s – Kenya had one of the highest fertility rates in the world, of 8 children per woman.

This of course was attributed to good economy, good climate, and large land holdings by families, affordable essential commodities such as food, health care, housing and education.

Back then, in the 1960s and 1970s, children walked bare-chested, ate roasted potatoes, drunk porridge (bila sukari) and water (directly from the mouth of the river) and – they went to bed early.

Today – Mzee would be told – children understand their rights – they watch TV a lot, eat chips, speak very good English, and when they are bored, they borrow the visitor’s mobile phone to play games, and watch some more of ‘Baby Shark’.

Since it is August – Mzee's arrival would have come at the right time – just when universities are admitting First Year students.

Mzee would ask about Boom money! The bread smeared with butter, blue band and other good things university students enjoyed in the 1970s. He would be told that these are now a distant rumour.

Mzee would remember about the 1963 airlifts – that took over 750 East Africa students (Among them Obama’s dad) to the United States of America.  If they bore any fruits – and if Kenya had tried anything like that after he went to be with his ancestors.

But then – he would be told that the last time a Kenyan tried to replicate the airlift – a lot of money walked out of a bank -- and GNZs paid some people a visit.

Kenya’s first president would be told about the death of Pyrethrum farming (and the industry in Nakuru), the death of cotton farming in Nyanza and Western Kenya, Fishing industry, wool making industries, Blankets factories in Nakuru, Mombasa.

As a discount he, would be told about the hurting Tobacco farming, Sugarcane farming, the death of Pan Paper (founded in 1971), and Cashew nut in Kilifi. That all the sisal farms are gone.