The rise of celibacy: Free will or lack of options?

What exactly constitutes celibacy? Who can and cannot practise it, and why is it being discussed?

Does it really unlock a hidden superpower within you, or is it just a claim made by those who are not getting any action to persuade you to join them?

What does and doesn’t constitute celibacy? These are questions that may plague the mind of someone who has just heard of the term.

Celibacy is defined as the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons. 

However, it is not exclusive to religious devotees, as many other people are now taking up the practice for various reasons.

For some, celibacy serves as a means to focus on their goals. Peter (not his real name),28, decided to go on a celibacy journey to re-align with his interests and goals.

He ended his causal relationship and went cold turkey, choosing to limit his interactions with women.

This allowed him to pursue new hobbies, be more productive at work, and generally experience a sense of clarity that he had not felt in a long time.

Martha (not her real name), 27, was also in the same boat after a split from her boyfriend. She was heartbroken and decided to take time to heal from the betrayal and thus turned to celibacy.

Her definition of celibacy is a bit more rigid, as she explained that one shouldn’t masturbate or have any form of intimate touch while on a celibacy journey.

”All that is part of sex. Sex is like an umbrella and everything else is under it, including sex and masturbation,” she noted.

“You’re still getting the end goal so hauko celibate.”

For others, such as Jane (not her real name), 20, celibacy is essential to their religious journey and can only be broken in the context of a serious relationship.

Jane made a conscious decision to become celibate after deciding to take her religious life more seriously. Like Martha, she is of the opinion that celibacy should not involve any form of pleasure.

“I think it involves everything, so no intercourse, no masturbation, no dry humping, or anything like that,” she noted, emphasising that any form of intimacy compromises a celibacy journey.

James (not his real name), 30, decided to pursue a celibacy journey after he realised he couldn’t afford dating after a split from his long-term girlfriend.

He argues that dating, even casually, requires financial investment on the part of the man so as to receive intimacy from the woman.

“Sex in this modern age is tied to a lot of things because you have to treat the girl to something like dinner or lunch and if you do not have that, you can’t have sex. I have been celibate due to heartbreak and finance at some point in my life.”

Outside the realm of casual relationships, Mark (not his real name), 45, has admittedly taken a vow of celibacy after the birth of his last child.

The pregnancy was unplanned but the couple decided to keep it due to their religious affiliations. The pregnancy was tumultuous and traumatising, and he explains that his wife hasn’t been the same since.

“She stopped talking to me. Now she only asks me about my day and what I want to eat. She abstains from any intimacy with me. I try to talk to her about it, but she just shuts off,” he lamented.

Despite the constant rejection he faces, he chooses to remain faithful to their vows and not seek out any extra marital affairs.

“Nitavumilia tu. Sasa nitafanya nini? I can’t force her.”

On the flip side, Martin (not his real name), in his early twenties, has inadvertently adopted a celibacy journey as he is still a virgin. He expresses his interest in waiting for the right time with the right person and is unconcerned with the peer pressure surrounding sex as a rite of passage into adulthood.

“If it happens, it happens but obviously it’s not like after the first week of dating, it just happens. Personally, I really do not care. If it’s someone telling me, ‘Why are you not doing this?’ It's just my own personal choice. If it happens, it happens.”

Those practicing celibacy or who have done so at some point in their life all have one thing in common. They speak highly of its ability to increase self-awareness, concentration and creativity.

“I did well. I had a lot of time juu anytime sikuwa na time ya kufikiria hizo vitu zingine. Nilijituma kwa job,” Martha reminisced.

“I’ve been able to explore more about myself, the potentials, and the abilities I can do. I’ve come out of my comfort zone,” Jane stated.

Following all these experiences spanning across several age groups and different relationship statuses, celibacy seems to be a double-edged sword: offering an opportunity for growth and development for some or serving as a constant reminder of intimacy long forgotten for others.