The absent father effect: Why some women seek relationships with older men

The absence of a father figure can shape a woman’s perception of love, security, and relationships in many ways. One of the common patterns observed is a preference for older partners—men who may embody the stability, wisdom, and protection that was missing in childhood.

Many women who grow up without a father figure—whether the father is physically absent, emotionally distant, or inconsistent in his love—unconsciously seek emotional security in relationships, often gravitating toward older men who seem to be mature, though this isn’t always the case.

Rose, a 30-year-old whose parents separated when she was only five, narrates how growing up without a father contributed to her ending up in a relationship with an older man.

Since the separation, she says her mother has never spoken about her dad. Anytime she inquired about him, her mum would say, “We don’t need him,” and that prevented Rose from asking more questions.

Being raised in a single-parent household made her learn early that love could be conditional, something that came with expectations and emotional distance.

In as much as her mother was very hardworking and physically present, she was emotionally unavailable.

“I could see her struggling to nurture me emotionally. We rarely hugged, and anytime I cried, she would always say, ‘Stop crying! Be strong.’ This made me suppress my emotions,” narrates Rose.

So often, Rose felt a void she couldn’t quite place. She watched her friends interact with their fathers—how their fathers gave them protective hugs, words of encouragement, and presence at school events. She wondered what that kind of love felt like.

During her teenage years and early adulthood, Rose’s emotional void translated into her relationships. She craved male attention, equating it with validation. She just wanted to be seen. Anytime a man pursued her, she felt great.

“If a man would tell me how beautiful I am, I felt affirmed, valued, and loved. If he withdrew or rather never talked to me for days, I felt abandoned, just like my father abandoned me,” she says.

She was caught up in a cycle of falling fast for men who showed the slightest interest, ending up accepting less than she deserved just to feel wanted. Moreover, she had moments of deep insecurities as she felt she wasn’t enough.

One evening, Rose met a 50-year-old man at a Java outlet where she had gone to grab some coffee. At this time, she had just turned 27. The man developed interest in her, and she decided to give it a shot after a few months of communication.

“I wanted to know how it felt like to date a man who was probably the same age as my dad. Unlike the younger men that I had dated earlier, this old man was confident, established, and emotionally present. He affirmed me, reassured me, supported me, and made me feel safe in a way no man ever had,” she reveals.

In as much as the man treated Rose well and made her feel like she was being held by a father she never had, she also experienced fear. She was afraid of disagreeing with him because she felt like she would lose his love. She also relied on his validation to feel worthy and enough, which only made her scared of making mistakes because her entire life was dependent on him.

One day, Rose decided to talk to a therapist. She kept wondering how long her life would revolve around this man. She wanted to be free. She wanted to create stability within herself. She wanted to make her own decisions and be in a relationship where she felt safe enough to ask questions without having the fear of being left by the other person.

After unpacking everything in therapy, Rose realized that her relationship with this man wasn’t about love—it was about filling the gap that had been left by her absent father. It was about safety and protection.

Rose is not sailing in that boat alone. Meet Dorothy, a 25-year-old nurse, whose story begins in almost the same way but takes an ending in the opposite direction.

“My dad left us when I was a teenager. We had on-and-off contact, but everything was mostly bad. I used to think I liked older men, but I ended up with a man three years younger than me, and it works like magic. We started with three months of dating, one year of a long-distance relationship, and finally moved in together,” says Dorothy.

“I think this could happen because I have a hyper-independent personality from the abandonment, and my partner is a beautiful and sensitive soul.”

On the other hand, 24-year-old Anna also grew up without a father and didn’t have emotional touch with her mother. In her teenage years, she was fascinated by the idea of dating older men because she thought they would not only be a partner but also fill the gap left by her father.

“I saw many women with father wounds enter relationships with significantly older men, and for a long time, I thought that would be my path as well. I longed for someone to reassure me, make decisions for me, and give me the emotional security I craved,” she said.

Anna once entered a relationship with a much older man, but the relationship was short-lived. The relationship made her lose her sense of self, and she didn’t like it. She also realized she was with the man because she was being validated, but they never really had a genuine connection.

“After self-reflection and intentional inner work, I decided to choose a different kind of love. A love that feels healthy. A relationship where I am not chasing validation. A relationship that allows me to be loved for sincerely being myself,” she said.

These stories prove that growing up with absent fathers shapes a woman’s idea of love and, in a way, it can define one’s future. However, through self-work, one can break the cycle and choose a relationship that is based on love and not need.

Lilian Kasanga, a counselling psychologist at Mind and Beyond Counselling Centre, says growing up without a father affects how a woman perceives love, security, and self-worth.

“Many women that have grown up without their fathers tend to have issues with their self-esteem. Others find themselves in patterns of toxic relationships, and many seek love as a way to fill an invisible void,” says Lilian.

Lilian says that a father is the first man to show a girl she is lovable. Without this, many women grow up feeling unchosen and end up looking for that in relationships.

Some women subconsciously seek father figures in their romantic relationships, gravitating toward much older or controlling men, while others become hyper-independent, thinking they don’t need anyone, hence avoiding emotional intimacy.

Healing from the absence of a father is not about finding a man to replace him. It is about becoming the woman who doesn’t need to be saved.