Is It Love or Limerence? Identifying and overcoming obsessive attachment

This phenomenon is known as limerence. According to research, limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person, often experienced involuntarily. It is characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings, though not necessarily for a romantic relationship.

Psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov, who first described limerence in 1979, explains that it occurs when a person develops an obsessive attachment to someone. It typically manifests as an intense, irrational form of love that feels intrusive and uncontrollable.

Signs you’re going through limerence

Research shows that more often than not limerence is associated with attachment styles. People mostly with insecure attachment styles are most likely prone to this. These are the signs and symptoms that one is going through limerence:

1.       Idealization

One holds the person up to unrealistic standards. They perceive them as flawless or perfect. They overlook any negative traits or behaviours that this person may have. This can be dangerous because they may ignore red flags such as abusive traits that they notice.

A person finds themselves having intense and vivid daydreams of this person. They idealise future interactions, scenarios, or being in a relationship with this person.

3.       Obsessive thoughts or difficulty concentrating.

One usually has consistent intrusive thoughts about this person or the limerent object. They may have a hard time focusing on other things are most of their their thoughts are taken up by this object.

4.       Physical symptoms

The body is intriguing as it often reflects what the mind is feeling. When one is in close contact or proximity with the limerent object they tend to feel their heart rate increasing, and they have increased anxiety or nervousness. Basically what people term as “Butterfly in the stomach”.

5.       Mood swings

6.       Altered behavior

Difference between love and limerance

Unlike limerence, where you place someone on a pedestal and become obsessed, love involves a realistic understanding of a person’s flaws and a willingness to address them through communication.

In love, mutual respect and support allow both partners to thrive, whereas limerence often results in emotional dependency and fear of rejection.

How to overcome limerence
Experts suggest that overcoming limerence involves avoiding a scarcity mentality—that is, the belief that no one else could ever match the person you’re fixated on.

Phrases like “I’m looking for my other half” or “Someone to complete me” can contribute to obsessive thinking and dependency. Instead, focus on developing a healthier perspective on relationships and recognize that fulfilling connections are not solely dependent on one person.