From Childhood to Adulthood: How to understand your attachment style

 How we connect with our partners emotionally is crucial, yet sometimes this may prove difficult due to our upbringing.

This article seeks to explain the intricate dance of attachment styles that stems from childhood.

What are attachment styles?

According to experts attachment is the emotional bond that forms between a parent and caregiver as the child grows up.

The attachment style proposed by Psychoanalyst John Bowlby states that one`s early relationships with parents or caregivers shapes the way people perceive and act in relationships throughout their lives.

How a parent will show affection to their children later affects them in life especially when they want to form emotional bonds with people other than family.

Hence, attachment styles are the ways one behaves or interacts in a relationship especially when the relationship may face turmoil. 

Different attachment styles

This is where one is secure in their relationships or friendships. They can set boundaries and tend to feel comfortable and secure in their relationships.

When the child was growing up the caregiver ensured that the child felt safe seen and known. Moreover, the child received reassurance when being nurtured.

 Usually, people who have secure attachments in relationships have high self-worth and are able to properly articulate their needs towards their partners.

They enjoy spending quality time with their partner but they are not anxious when separated or when they leave their partner.

They have a high emotional quotient, whereby when they have problems they look for healthy ways to solve the issue. They are also comfortable getting close to someone and forming a close and emotional bond.

2.       Anxious/ ambivalent/preoccupied attachment style

These types of people tend to be overly needy and are usually anxious as the name suggests. They usually fear rejection or abandonment.

This more often than not stems from parents who were inconsistent with their children. One moment they are giving them love and attention, the next minute they are tuned out. The parents sometimes send mixed signals making them `emotionally hungry`.

According to experts, these parents become emotionally close with their children to satisfy their own needs. Usually, parents who were raised like that subconsciously raise their kids like that.

The individuals usually are in tune with their partner’s emotions and needs but tend to think that they are not worthy of love. They need constant reassurance that they are good enough and that they are worthy of love.

They tend to be overly fixated in a relationship and it takes over their life. They also tend to base their self-worth on the relationship.

They crave to be in an intimate relationship but they are highly emotional and dependent on others. To them being in a relationship is like a remedy for their emotional needs.

This group of people is the complete opposite of the 2 groups above. They tend to be very sceptical towards intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship.

Research states for these types of people, their primary caregivers were unavailable emotionally or they were rejected. Their needs were not met emotionally as often as needed and therefore they tended to shut down emotionally as a way to shield themselves.

They tend to be very independent. The more one tries to get close to them the more they withdraw. They are usually uncomfortable with their emotions and that of their partner.

More often than not they prefer casual relationships as compared to long serious relationships. 

The disoriented attachment style stems from a place of trauma. These sets of people probably experienced childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse.

It is seen as the most difficult to navigate as compared to the rest. The parent may have acted as a source of both a source of fear and comfort.

The adults tend to be insensitive, selfish and controlling which may lead to abusive behavior.

They find intimate relationships confusing and go between the extremes of hate and love of the partner.

They crave the intimacy of a relationship but tend to fear getting hurt again or they may feel unworthy of love. 

However, all hope is not lost. If one may want to fix their attachment style they could increase their awareness of emotional intelligence, resolve their childhood trauma, or fix themselves in relationships with people in secure attachments.