Do 50/50 relationships work?

What is a 50/50 kind of relationship?

A 50/50 relationship is when both partners contribute equally from financial responsibilities to household duties.

Wairimu, 26, narrates how it went down with her 50/50 boyfriend.

Roy and I met on Tinder and I must say, engineers on dating apps are a dime a dozen which kind of speaks volumes. After being together for some months, we decided to move in together. Our first apartment was a one-bedroom in Roysambu, halfway between each of our jobs. Despite Roy making nearly double what I did, he suggested that we both apply the 50/50 rule in our relationship which later started encouraging resentment.

I’ve had occasions where he would ask me to re-pay him for our past dates for meals and activities that he suggested. Things got tricky when he suggested that “our” money should also pay his pending HELB loan that he took while in university.

This led to a great deal of resentment, as I felt it was unfair to include student loan payments in total expenses, especially considering how much less I made.

I proposed that rather than measuring fairness in finances by the amount contributed, we should measure in percentage of salary contributed.

But that never happened. I was hardly able to have any savings, which Roy justified by saying his rapidly growing savings would someday be ours.

The boiling point for me was his audacity to demand I foot a dinner bill at a place of his choice right in front of the waitress. “I paid for movies last night, just sort this bill. It’s 50/50 remember?” I had never been more humiliated.

After a year of staying together, we both got new jobs but he still was earning more than me. We continued to split bills and this led to more arguments. I just wanted to leave the relationship but I decided to stick around for a while because I felt afraid of repeating the cycle of looking for another partner especially after I had spent 3 years going on countless dates that amounted to nothing. Besides, I enjoyed Roy’s company so that made it harder.

Eventually, all the coaxing from everyone in my life led us to call it off. Looking back a year later, I don’t regret that decision.

Shortly after we broke up, I met another guy on Tinder who was exactly what I was looking for in a relationship and more.

Even in the few months of dating, he showcased overwhelming generosity and would rarely let me pay unless I offered. When we got together, he was more generous.

He would buy things for my family; he would help me out if I was financially constrained and rarely asked for money back even when I insisted and he would simply buy me things.

I felt more relaxed with him than when I was with Roy who constantly made me feel like anything that involved money would be a potential landmine.

I have realised that the most attractive feature of a man in this day and age is his generosity which was severely lacking in my previous relationship. 

So, ladies, if your man isn’t treating you the way you feel he should which in this context is financial, let him go. You will find someone else who will. I’m living testimony to that.

Ultimately, if a man can’t provide for you now, what makes you think he will be able to provide when you start a family?

Meet Mukami (24), who narrates her “50/50” experience with her ex-boyfriend Dave.

I met Dave while in university. I still regret the first day we came across each other. Both of us were in the drama team, we kind of had a crush on each other so the more we spent time together during rehearsals, the more we developed feelings for each other.

After two months, we decided to get into a relationship. By then, Dave was a fourth year and I was a second year. I had always lived outside the school environment, unlike Dave who found comfort in settling in the hostels.  

One year later, Dave had completed his studies and was looking forward to getting an internship opportunity at a nearby company. As he waited to get the internship, he requested me to allow him to stay at my place because he had “nowhere” to go.

He promised to move out once he got the internship. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. How do I tell you that allowing him to move in with me was one of the worst decisions I have made in life?

I have always had an entrepreneurial mind, so I used to sell jewellery and sweets to my fellow students and also rented an M-Pesa shop just near the school.

On the other hand, Dave was always in my little crib watching movies and sometimes went out to play video games with friends. He knew I had money because I’d tell him how much I made in my small business.

To him, a 50/50 relationship was one where one provides and the other one does chores. In our case, I was the one in charge of financing things and he was the one dealing with utensils, laundry and other chores which did not sit right with me.

I have always known that the role of a man is to provide, but he shouldn’t perform the provisioning role with half of the money his woman owns.

“A woman’s money belongs to her and a man’s money should be shared.” I thought the statement was true until the day Dave asked me to give him 50% of what I made so that he could buy stuff in the house.

Surprisingly, I gave in, even when I knew it was a wrong move. I was blinded by love, I mean…what do you expect from a naïve girl who desperately needs to be loved by someone? It is very evident that I had no idea what love meant.

Months later, Dave got a paid internship and I finally felt relieved because I thought he would either move out or help me in paying the bills using his own money. Alas! Nothing like that happened.

He only used to buy groceries that were not even more than 50 Kenyan shillings. Anytime the cooking gas depleted, he’d always come up with an excuse not to give his share. I got tired and called off the relationship. One thing I will never do again is to date a broke man, I don’t even want the 50/50 kind of relationship.

Margaret (48) narrates how 50/50 isn’t workable in her marriage

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have raised two children. During the first years of our marriage, we both had full-time jobs but still helped each other in taking care of the children and running other family errands. 

Whoever arrived home early would help the kids with homework and sometimes prepare dinner. At some point, my husband lost his job which made him spend more hours at home. He took over the majority of cleaning, cooking and caring for the children.

In essence, we “switched places”. He told me the first two weeks felt good and then he felt really crazy after that, and it was hard for me also to come home from work, knowing more work awaited. 

I am not saying one spouse can’t work full-time outside the home and not help with cooking, cleaning, kids and vice versa.

But this unique season of trading places helped us to see the way each person is giving their all, all the time for the other and our family.

There has never been anything like 50/50 in our marriage, even when it comes to finances, there are seasons when I have more money than my partner and there are seasons when he has more than me, when such seasons come, we use what we have. We appreciate the ways each other is giving their all on a daily basis.

These narrations explain how a 50/50 kind of relationship works differently for different people.

Wawira, 27, says that in a relationship where one person makes significantly more than the other, splitting expenses evenly isn’t fair.

“If it was a roommate situation, that would have been okay; there wouldn’t be an end goal of building a financial future together and spending and saving as a team,” she adds.

Muriuki,34, says he is a traditional man and he will therefore assume his duties and provide for his woman.

“Men should be hardworking, this issue of making women pay bills calls for disrespect. No woman will submit to a man she provides for. As a man, you should be in charge, and be ahead in everything. If your money isn’t enough, find a way of investing, otherwise, your woman will step on you and there’s nothing you’ll do.”