Are you emotionally dumping on your loved ones? Try venting instead

Impromptu phone calls or conversations you make with your loved ones without preparing them mentally for the emotional burden and complaints you are about to unleash, inconsiderate of their emotional state, might not sit well with them at times.

In psychology, the behaviour is referred to as emotional dumping.

Emotional dumping closely resembles trauma dumping, which experts define as when a person overshares their traumatic experiences that could have occurred in their lives to loved ones without acknowledging whether they can handle it, triggering re-traumatization and distress to the listener.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL/TRAUMA DUMPING

Life hurdles can be too much to bear alone, so people tend to lean on a friend to unload their emotions to feel heard, hence unconsciously turning loved ones into unpaid therapists as they want a listener and empath.

Individuals who emotionally dump often have a victim mentality and turn to their loved ones for validation and do not appreciate any advice, which makes it one-sided.

Additionally, the listener could show discomfort and even fail to contribute to the conversation because the trauma and emotional burden are too much to take in.

“Hearing detailed and traumatic details without consent or being fully prepared can be emotionally overwhelming to the listener,” Peter Zafirides, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist, partner, founder and president at Central Ohio Behavioral Medicine in Columbus tells Forbes Health.

It is common among women to call their friends at the slightest inconvenience, mostly from romantic relationships.

"You will not believe what so and so did this time!" they will often say, turning to their friends as a cushion of validation to feel heard.

However, they fail to seek solutions to their problems and constantly bring them up in conversations, which fuels a repetitive cycle.

This creates a sense of helplessness in your loved ones since they listen to your troubles but can merely do anything to help.

 “Someone on the receiving end of trauma dumping might feel hopeless, frustrated, drained, helpless or anxious,” Naomi Torres-Mackie, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York and head of research at The Mental Health Coalition tells Forbes Health.

“It might also make them feel taken advantage of,” she says.

Emotional dumping is sometimes unbeneficial to both parties as it still leaves one’s issues unresolved, and the recipient of the rants tends to feel emotionally drained if they are not in the right headspace.

Sara Stanizai, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Prospect Therapy tells Well+Good, “After dumping or getting dumped on, we often feel exhausted, but not much better about the situation in question.”

You may often notice them drifting away or drawing boundaries like ignoring your calls or making excuses to meet up to protect their emotional state.

VENTING VS EMOTIONAL/TRAUMA DUMPING

Oversharing is not bad. However, one should consider the recipient's emotional state and threshold to accommodate their emotional burden.

There is a much healthier way to unload your emotional baggage to your loved ones without making them distance themselves from you.

Experts suggest individuals try out venting instead of emotional/trauma dumping.

Most people find it hard to tell apart the two, but they do have a striking difference.

Venting is a healthier way to air out your frustrations, traumatic experiences, and complaints to your loved ones after checking with them to make sure that they are in the right emotional state.

“Venting involves expressing emotions, frustrations or concerns to someone willing to listen in a balanced, conversational way,” Peter Zafirides, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist, partner, founder and president at Central Ohio Behavioral Medicine in Columbus tells Forbes Health.

"Venting doesn’t burden the listener; rather, it feels more like a critique or a complaint that doesn’t need to be solved,” says Jenn Kennedy, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Riviera Therapy in Santa Barbara, California.

“On the other hand, trauma dumping is one-sided, can be traumatizing and often occurs without considering the impact on the listener, says Dr. Zafirides. “Trauma dumping feels like the speaker is trying to hand off their difficulty or enlist the other person to save them,” adds Kennedy.

If the listener communicates that they feel unable to take your venting, then you should respect their feelings and find a more conducive time for the listener.

The listener can form respectful boundaries if they notice tendencies of emotional/trauma dumping.

Empaths and people pleasers may have difficulty setting boundaries. They advise sharers to check for non-verbal cues to determine whether they have the bandwidth to handle your venting.   

“They might hesitate to tell you if it is too much, so look for nonverbal cues like closed body language, distant eye contact, glazed over eyes or hollow responses,” says Torres-Mackie.

Additionally, a listener can opt to stop the conversation when venting if they feel like they need a break. Also, there could be pauses in between to allow the listener to give their two cents on the matter. 

Eran Magen, Ph.D., a population health psychologist and founder of the suicide prevention system EarlyAlert.me told Forbes Health suggests that the listener says, “This is really difficult for me to hear. I know it was really hard for you, but I don’t think I’m the right person to help you with this,”

“You don’t have to apologize or say that you wish you could hear more,” Magen adds.

Journaling is recommended when you need to get something off your chest to avoid emotionally dumping on your loved ones.

Finding a therapist is highly advised for dealing with emotional outbursts as they are well-trained to listen and respond well in such situations. 

Experts recommend setting time limits when emotional or trauma dumping to accommodate better and more neutral topics.

“Keep in mind that many people love it when others share difficult experiences with them—it brings people together, creates vulnerability and demonstrates trust,” says Magen. To share difficult experiences effectively in a way that feels safe and comfortable for everyone, ongoing genuine consent is essential; for the receiving party, it is important to monitor your comfort level and to ask for a pause if you need one.”